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Disorders or simply Dis-Ordered?

October 10, 2007

I have found a healing modality that works for me, one that I feel honors who I am now while still encouraging and facilitating further healing.  It makes me happy.  But before that….

I went to lots of doctors.  I had doctors for my body and doctors for my mind.  I had the church to be a doctor for my soul and different men at different times to be doctors for my body.  I know that many of those people truly wanted the best for me, but all I heard over and over were all the disorders I had..

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Compulsive Obsessive Disorder

Eating Disorders

My soul was sick with the sin disorder and my heart was fractured, dismembered even.

Grace mentioned in her Love the One You’re With that most illness comes from lack of forgiveness and I agree, though often in my case it was myself that I could not forgive.

What if, instead of having all of these disorders, I had simply dis-ordered my experiences??

You know those to-do lists we make, the ones that we try to prioritize so that if the list isn’t completed, at least the most important stuff is done?  Well, I had a sort of “done” list like that, a list of all the things that I had done and that others had done to me and the order of the things on that list was a mess!

The very first thing on that list was all the abuse.  I had internal snapshots of specific moments that somehow felt worse than the other moments.  But none were ever really deleted off my internal memory card.  Every time I thought one photos was truly deleted and erased from my soul, I’d develop some other disorder.  Cellular memory is a real thing and my body held on to some of the traumas that my brain simply could not process.

The next thing on that done list was all the times that I felt abandoned: by my God, by the Church, by my parents (of course!), by my men and my doctors and myself. 

That done list was next filled with all the dumb things I had done to myself: the years of cutting, the suicide attempts, the giving of myself over to men who would hurt me (and I knew beforehand that they would!), the drinking and the drugs, the homelessness and the miscarriages.

Next were the dumb things and mean things and “sinful” things that I had done to others: stealing and lying, manipulating and running away, and I actually hated myself because I could not honor my father and mother.  Surely I was bound to Hell for that one!

The list went on and on.  And nowhere on that list were any of things that I got right.

I decided to re-order that list.  Those things that I had done and the things that had been done to me could not be deleted but they could be moved down the list.

My list is still in there, I’m sure, but it’s different now.  It looks kind of like this:

1.  I woke up, again.  YAY!!! I choose to again join the world today.  I’ve decided already to look around and see where I can help.  Who needs a kind word?  Who needs an open ear and open arms?  Where is potential beauty that I can call forth?  I’m ready!

2.  I have great kids!  They smile everyday.  Everyday they know that they are safe and loved and goddess-filled wonders.  I thank them for leting me be their mom.  Everyday we go on a treasure hunt, searching for Her face and His too in the world and the people around us.  My children dance already, not ordered steps of well-tamed women-to-be, but wild fire-dancing of the soul, arms wide open, ready to give and receive whatever the world brings.  I refuse to raise tip-toe girls.  They stomp and clap and shout and siiinnnggg.  YAY!!!!  And yet, they are not dis-orderly.  They speak respectfully, hont for the Divine hiding behind each set of eyes.  They give money from their own pockets to those who seem hungry for food and kindness.  They wear their pentacles proudly and say “Goddess Bless” when they drop $5.00 into the Salvation Army bucket.  They light candles for the safety of the troops and their teachers and our kitties.  They do not look around hte world to find power, they look within.  Did I mention they are only 10 and 6?!  What wonders!!!  What Divinity was birthed through my own body.  How many disorders can I really have if I am allowed to mother those beings????  I mean, REALLY!

3.  I can share myself with people.  And be True when I do it.  WOW for me!

4.  There is compassion within me and some sort of innocence.  In spite of it all, I believe people want to be good to each other.  I believe that magic happens everyday all around. 

This new list goes on and on and on.  And somewhere at the bottom, way beneath all of this other good stuff is something that looks like this

5,900,678,354.  And, oh yeah, some really bad stuff happened to me before but I’m working through it now.

I’m not on medications now.  And I’ve healed myself enough that sometimes I can be the instrument of healing for others.  I don’t feel like any of those disorders are mine anymore and I don’t feel so dis-ordered.  My body, most of the time, does not hurt at all.  And when I hurt, I know I need some of my kind of healing…a cup of quiet to go with my coffee, 5 minutes of holding tightly to my girls, a nap, a kitty on my lap, or a time of Ritual with the Goddess…that’s all that I need.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. October 10, 2007 2:26 pm

    Love the new list! Excellent. A list to live and breathe.

    …”when I hurt, I know I need some of my kind of healing…a cup of quiet to go with my coffee, 5 minutes of holding tightly to my girls, a nap, a kitty on my lap, or a time of Ritual with the Goddess…that’s all that I need.”


  2. October 10, 2007 2:41 pm

    Forgot to tell you how to insert a link. When you’re writing a post you’ll notice a little link icon (looks like a little chain) in your toolbar. Highlight the word or sentence where you want to insert the link, click the little link icon, put in the URL, hit “Insert.” There’s another little icon next to the link icon, that indicates a broken link.

  3. signmom permalink*
    October 10, 2007 3:18 pm

    Grrr..I know that it must work because I’ve seen it in your blog! You can see what happens with mine…user error I know!

    In my toolbar, I see the chain icon that you mentioned, but it isn’t lit up like my other icons.

  4. thefoxchild permalink
    October 10, 2007 3:31 pm

    Ah, lady… I can feel your joy and healing beauty all the way over here. Thank you!

  5. Grace permalink
    October 10, 2007 8:36 pm

    ((((( Signmom ))))) You are absolutely AMAZINGGG and so very wise. I love the “Dis-Ordered”….oh wow…. what a beautiful post, filled with so much light and gratitude.

  6. signmom permalink*
    October 10, 2007 9:02 pm

    Thank you ladies. I love knowing that these words in my brain come out in a way that makes sense to someone else. Your support feels like an anchor and a pair of wings!

  7. signmom permalink*
    October 11, 2007 12:28 pm

    Also..AH-HA!! If I add the link before I spell check, it works. After spell-checking I can’t figure out how to add the link. Apologies again Grace!

  8. October 11, 2007 4:07 pm

    The little link icon will “light up” -after- you highlight the text you want to link. Try it, you’ll like it!

  9. signmom permalink*
    October 11, 2007 4:18 pm

    Whoo hoo, uh-huh!! Mother Wintermoon, YOU ROCK!!!

  10. Grace permalink
    October 11, 2007 10:10 pm

    ((( Signmom )))

    This was the second place on your blog today. I am…well…speechless. Thank you from my very heart (I’m wearing my rose quartz heart today, btw ;-)…)

    We are connected. Without knowing anything that you had written today, I posted something myself.

    We are One, Sister. I see myself in the mirror of your glory. See yourself in the mirror of reflection I send back to you.

    It’s a beautiful thing, for sure.


  11. October 12, 2007 10:00 pm

    Your healing and spirit warms my own spirit and sets me continually astounded by Her beauty that lives in you. Thank you for being…

  12. signmom permalink*
    October 13, 2007 3:01 am

    These words are a gift to me. I am in awe, everyday, over and over, at the beautiful faces She wears. Grace, I swear you are my sister lost at birth!! And you are for sure one of those I count as Sister…already! Everyday I will read these comments, everyday I will remember…

    Aerolin, you are Divinity wearing skin. I am speechless again. Sometimes I wonder how I came to be one who can be One with you wonderful amazing women. What a gift to be….where you are.

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