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Worn Out

October 13, 2007

For the last couple of days, I’ve resisted creating a new post.  I’m in this situation that I have not found found my way through yet.  I didn’t want to create some whiny post that discredits all the things that I feel and believe to be true about this awful wonderful life I have, this strange growing-shedding-becoming reality.

See, I’m worn out.  These days I’m working three jobs, though none of them full-time.  Each of these jobs requires something very different from me.  I am an interpreter for the Deaf, which is a job I have loved very passionately for the last ten years.  But as I struggle to find my own voice, my own Truth, it’s harder and harder to release where I  am enough to lend my hands and voice so that others may be heard.  And every interpreting assignment seems to throw in my face the horrible injustices the Deaf community faces and has faced for years.   As weak as it makes me sound, sometimes I’d rather not have to focus on that everyday.  (If you want to know more on this issue, scoot over to Deaf Pagan Crossroads). 

One of my other jobs is working at my friend’s shop.  I love my friend and I love her’s my favorite place nearby to go and visit.  It’s a witchcraft supply stuff and she has the coolest stuff there.  But the people who come are in are needy, desperate for help and hope and answers.  I need to know the qualities and characteristics of hundreds of crystals and herbs, be able to pull spells and correspondences for every kind of problem of the top of my head and be ready to give history lessons and lessons on ethics and and myths and laws of physics and remember all of the runes, translate Theban, and give a psychic reading at the drop of a hat.    People come in to have their chakras worked on, to keep a cheating man at home or chase him off permanently, to find missing rings and missing kitties, to draw love to themselves and to send it away, to curse and bless and heal and wound.  I have to know when and how to say yes and no.  I need to be able to empower people to create the changes that they long for and remind them that our choices have consequences.  All this while making sure the place earns enough to pay the rent.  Shew…. and then I go to my third job.

There I am a healer.  People trust me with their darkest secrets and rely on my insight to see into the problems that are manifested in their realities, either physical illnesses or emotional distress.  It’s my responsibility to see beyond the obvious, to find the right questions to ask to lead people to their own inner beliefs that keep them stuck.  My friend says that I go scuba diving into the souls of those who feel lost.  That description feels accurate, though far more poetic than what I would have said.  I feel like I go swimming through the psychic sewers and find the places that need Drano.  When I do this work, it’s critical that I be able to step outside of my own paradigm in order to be able to truly see another’s truth.  I have to be cleared up enough myself that the dark places of the soul cannot frighten me or darken my own vision.  I have to be the bringer of hope and healing for those who have thought that healing was impossible. 

It is this work that moves me most deeply.  It is an amazing thing to see physical ailments literally disappear in a moment, to see someone courageous enough to let go of the things that stand in the way of total healing, total communion with the One. 

But, oh, it is work.  I feel that it requires characteristics that I’ve never really strongly felt within myself.  I have to be so patient and remember that people are truly afraid of change.  I have to realise that the person I’m working on is working just as hard as I.  That people are fragile in their injured places.  I have to know when to push a little harder and when to back off.  I have to be empathic enough that I can feel where those emotions are and guarded enough that I can be effective. 

And sometimes, I just feel worn out.  The girls need something: a sandwich, homework help, someone to read to….and I just feel like I can’t.  My husband has needs too….and that makes me angry.  As the two adults living in this home, there should be some sort of balance of need-meeting.  It should, on occasion, be my turn.  And I feel enraged that my work isn’t viewed as real work.  After all, I’m only just sitting around talking to people.  How can that be as hard as the physical labor he does???  I’ve tried and tried to explain but he just doesn’t get it.

Truly, what it comes down to is the struggle to find balance.   I feel that the work I am doing on myself is crucial.  This growing and learning and evolving is the real purpose.  If I allow myself to re-order my life so that everything else hinges on that process, then I will feel more at peace.

Grace, once again, has given me the word of the day…WHAT.  What can I do now, what can I change now that will resolve this for me.  I do not have the answers, but at least someone gave me the right question.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. thefoxchild permalink
    October 13, 2007 7:17 pm

    Ah, yes. The ever elusive state of balance. This is something I find a continual struggle. The balance that allows me to meet not only the needs of my loved ones, by my own as well. Some days are better than others. I am finding those better days more and more often, as long as I can voice my needs to those that need to hear them.

  2. Grace permalink
    October 13, 2007 8:20 pm

    Oh, boy….I pictured myself looking back at the season of life that you are in and just nod my head. I think I was chronically fatigued for years. If I may, from this side of that season ;), share some things that I learned along the way (and wish someone had told me). Keep in mind that I struggled with my own ‘stuff’ – so if any of this doesn’t apply, well…simply toss it away 🙂 no worries!

    1. You are a healer, first and foremost. The form that your healing work takes will morph and change over time. You cannot be all things to all people, all the time. However, one thing remains true: You MUST create a resevoir for yourself of emotional and spiritual waters or you will burn out. Often times, during the busy seasons of our lives, we women have a tendancy to put ourselves last on the list…this is almost an ingrained tendancy brought about by the ‘old’ collective consciousness, our families, and our culture. HOWEVER, I am suggesting that you put yourself first. (oooh, that might have been a hit I felt there..!) Make sure than in all that you do, you create enough time and space to nourish and replenish yourself in whatever ways that takes shape. It may mean you might reprioritize what you are doing, you might stop doing some things that aren’t really all that ‘important’, or you may add some things. Having a husband is lovely if he can help with some of the chores, etc. 🙂 I wasn’t in that sort of marriage when my kids were small. Either way, no one (no one) can fill our tanks completely full for us. We must tend to our own gardens, so that others may enjoy the fruit 🙂

    2. Spend the first chunk of time in your day on YOURSELF. Meditate. Ritual. Warm Bath 🙂 Reading. Just contemplating your naval. It plants the seeds for the rest of the day (and, I like to also ask for Divine Orchestration of my day so that I am doing what I need to do and not being distracted by the other things…it also helps for divine connections/appointments – linking me with those people and things that are part of My Assignment for being here.

    And, it may be that when you come home from work – before you do anything else – you take 15 minutes to decompress. EVERYTHING WILL WAIT, almost all the time, for you to regroup and re-breathe 🙂 I guarantee it!

    3. Simplify and drop any ‘extra’ duties you might be performing out of a sense of obligation, but that aren’t really necessary in the long run. (I had to also drop alot of my perfectionist tendancies. So what if there’s a little dust? 🙂 So what if the perfect cupcakes weren’t baked? So what if I said NO sometimes…. ;-)…)

    And remember, love. Life is about ‘seasons’. The Mother season is a most amazing one – and it comes with it’s own challenges, as well.

    I think you are a beautiful soul. Simply beautiful.

    Now do what you can to rest…..


  3. thefoxchild permalink
    October 14, 2007 1:21 am

    Grace, you are absolutely right! Since demanding the time I need for myself, to do what I need to take care of myself so I don’t feel so wrung out, I have felt better than I ever have. I am still struggling with issues of feeling selfish about it, but I know it is what I need. If I am not taken care of, I will not be in a position to take care of anyone else either.

    Sign, take the time you need a give that inner self some of the love and healing you so selflessly pass along to others.

  4. signmom permalink*
    October 14, 2007 2:30 pm

    Wow, ladies. I’m astounded by the wisdom that you share, selflessly and gently. Grace, that was a solid hit you felt/heard!. That list seems so froeign to me, those concepts so distant from my current reality that I can barely fathom it. When I take it apart, see each piece, I can pieces of things that I do. I do start my morning with my Self, enjoying outside and visting with Earth before I get swooshed up into the chaos. Score!!

    My husband is also not the helper type. Because my work isn’t really work in his eyes, there’s no reason that I can’t do everything else. But my daughters can help. I’m not suggesting harsh child labor!! But they can help wash dishes, help with laundry. They already clean their room (sort of!) and I’ve learned to be okay with how they do it.

    It’s odd…somehow being called a healer by someone else shifted my perspective a little. As I receive validation that I am, in fact, a healer and that work itself is validated as being important, being True work, I feel inside that freedom to take care of myself. If I allow myself to think of other healers in other cultures, I can see how the healer is a valued member of the community and someone whose needs must be met. It still feels a little egotistical to put myself on that same level, but it allows me to care for myself.

    Fox, your words read just like love to me. It feels like a big hug on the lap of the Mother. You really do rock!

    Thank you both so much for your input.

  5. October 15, 2007 3:33 pm

    I’m reminded of the phrase “physician heal thyself.” For, in a myriad of ways, we all have the capacity to be healers in our own right.

    In a myriad of ways, we are the only ones that can be healers on our own behalf.

    I have this in my sidebar at my new place, because I love the message it imparts:

    “Look upon what gives you joy. Speak to those who warm your heart. Listen to that which lifts your spirit. Surround yourself with sights and sounds and people that give your life meaning and pleasure. Today, gift yourself with a good day.” Author unknown.

    I carry it with me as a reminder to gift myself with something that gives me the respite, solace, and recuperation I need. Just for me. A gift for self. Not for anyone else. Even if it’s only for 10 minutes a day.

  6. signmom permalink*
    October 16, 2007 1:23 am

    I love that quote. It feels like a tagible thing to actually DO that will change how I relate to myself. As always, your wisdom is a blessing.

  7. November 10, 2007 4:22 pm

    Thank you for mentioning my blog in your post. Reading your writing has given me some ideas for a new post over at Deaf Pagan Crossroads… hopefully I will be able to put something up in the next few days.

    In the meantime, keep on blogging… and feel free to come visit at the Crossroads.


    ~ Ocean

  8. November 11, 2007 1:53 pm

    Than you so much for sharing this self-revelation. I think we all need to remember we have gifts to give and knowledge to share. You’re writing is wonderful. Please keep on blogging!

  9. signmom permalink*
    November 12, 2007 5:24 am

    Thank you so much for the encoutagement!!

    Ocean, I was so excited to find your blog!! I’ll be popping in quite often, I’m sure!!

    R.E., it is wonderful to have you come and visit here. Thank you for affirming that the message that I try to convey does, in fact, make sense! Sometimes in the middle of it, I wonder if it’s just useless ramblings!

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