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Who is She , anyway??

October 16, 2007

As I put myself here to write this, I choose not to research before I post.  This isn’t about Divinity in history nor is it a story that will include a creation myth.  This isn’t about the various names and forms that Divinity has been known by as humans have struggled and lived throughout time.  This is  about me, where I am right now in this moment.  Tomorrow I could edit the whole thing and call it all hooey.

I’ve labeled myself many things throughout my life.  I’ve been a Quaker and an Episcopalian, a Church of God member and a Pentecostal.  I’ve been atheist and agnostic and an “I don’t give a damn”.   I’ve been a Christian Witch and a Wiccan Christian.  I’ve looked at Voodoo, Hoodoo, Buddhism and Islam.  Through it all, I’ve felt that any and all of those things (as I’ve chosen to try to walk them out) have limited me and left me with pieces of myself missing.

I’ve decided now to dispense with labels internally.  I may at differing times use a label as a way to open a dialog or to acknowledge some common ground but I no longer internalize those labels.

So who is this She that I reference, or at least She as I see Her now?  Where is She and why?  What I do with Her and how is She vital in my life now??  (By the way, these are the same questions that I started asking myself that led me to give up labels in the first place!)

I see Her as more complicated that I can voice and sometimes even as I can experience.  She is not just in everything or with everything, She is everything.  When I feel the breeze on my face and feel, just for a moment, that everything already really is OK, that is Her.  When I stand on the beach and watch the waves roll and tumble, when my skin gets salt-sticky, that is also Her, all of it.  When my daughters say they love me, just because they really do, that is Her.  When I am able to truly connect to another, to see their reality from their perspective instead of my own, that is Her too.  When I am able to be lost and found in the amazing intimacy with my husband, that is Her.  All acts of love and pleasure…

I see Her as Maiden, Mother, and Crone.  I see Her as moonlight and baby giggles.  I see Her as the creation of all and the destruction of that which must be released.

But I also see Her as mine in a way.  Not in the sense that She is not also yours, though.  It’s just that She and I are buddies.  She hangs out with me when I am weeping and wailing at injustice on a grand scale and the smaller injustices that I have experienced.  When I go to the grocery store and see so much food while a family down the street has to eat Bean and Ham soup for the month, She’s there with me, showing me what I can change and what I cannot.  When the flashbacks come, She holds me and weeps with me.  I had a vision once of Her witnessing my terrors with me and Her pain was equal to my own.  And in those moments when the joy is bigger than my body can hold, She dances me.  That’s not a typo.  She doesn’t dance with me, She dances me.  I feel Her passing on and over and around and through every cell of my being.

Sometimes, I’m something of a mess.  My perceptions are skewed and I miss the Truth.  Sometimes I’m too mad or too scared or too ashamed or too stuck in old realities.  She’s there too, reminding me (sometimes gently and sometimes with a Mac truck) that I choose my reality now.  My memories, my traumas and fears and insecurities and worries and issues and body are all just the woodpile; I choose to build a fire in the fireplace that will give me Light and nourishment and warmth or I choose to create a bonfire that will wipe out all that I am trying to create.  My wood, my choice.

 I know that the Divine is neither She nor He nor even both.  I know that Divine IS.  ALL.

But for now, it’s easier to look into the eyes of She who gazes with Love rather than the eyes of He who gazes with Joy.  I do get it that it’s the same, honest I do.  Part of who She is for me is that She allows me to label Her until I can grasp the Wholeness a little more clearly, the same way that I once labeled myself.  As I said, we’re buddies and She makes allowances.  The Truth that I can live a little more fully these days is that it doesn’t matter as much what I call Her as long as I’m willing to call…and be called.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. October 16, 2007 6:20 pm

    Ah yes….labels. I was just thinking of “labels” this morn…that as much as we use our language to describe us, places and events, they can be limiting…choking sometimes….

    So today I call myself a “pagan” because that about comes as close to my relationship with Her. YOU get it…because you know the meaning….but the next person may not. But it’s necessary to define who we are to others, to help them assess who we are (even if the WE is every changing). Boy, that got wordy!

    SHe is yours….and she is mine ~ I get it. We all hold a unique piece of Her…we are Her.

    Our local Jehovah Witnesses were roaming the neighborhood a view weeks back, and as happens I began to explain my relationship with “god”. The woman was insistent that He was “Jehovah”…He has a name. Yes, I agreed…I call Her Goddess…and she is in every part of my day. Although the woman didn’t quite grab the concept that we were both speaking of the same “god”, she understood my relationship with Her and commented that not enough people have that kind of relationship. Really?? Because the people I know do…

    All this to say SM that I understand what you are explaining…to yourself and to us. I have the same relationship with Her…and I can’t imagine Her not hangin’ with me either!

    Peace in,
    Lil

  2. poseidonsmuse permalink
    October 17, 2007 4:28 pm

    Love the Post SM. I don’t “adhere” to labels myself [pardon the pun] – I find them way too restrictive. I think that the absence of labels in my life allows me to expand, change and grow. I would also agree with you – the Divine is really neither a He, nor a She. I really like your concept of “All”.

    All.

    xoxo

  3. October 18, 2007 2:38 pm

    I don’t do labels either. I pan for gold within many beliefs systems and many faiths. I’m eclectically spiritual.

    I often say “Goodness Bless,” rather than “God Bless” or “Goddess Bless.” Goodness is one of my non-genderized words for the Divine.

    Hmm…maybe I’ll post about that, with a link to your beautiful post, of course.

    Goodness Blessings upon you, signmom.

  4. signmom permalink*
    October 18, 2007 5:12 pm

    And on you as well, Mother Wintermoon. Goodness certainly shines through you brightly and clearly!

  5. Grace permalink
    October 19, 2007 7:33 pm

    ((( Signmom ))) 🙂 I love what you have written here. I absolutely love it on so many levels. First, I love the Truth of it- All is All. This is such an important concept to grasp. It’s at the same time so simple, and yet so complex.

    All is All. We are All. We are. I AM 🙂

    But let me tell you why I REALLY REALLY LOVE this post!

    It’s YOU! It’s your voice ringing loud and clear and authentically. It’s your Spirit – so bright, so untarnished, it’s like looking into the Sun when I read this. I can hear you and your music is so very beautiful.

  6. signmom permalink*
    October 20, 2007 6:55 pm

    Thank you so much for your comments, lovely Grace! It does feel that this is authentically me. I cannot hear the music yet, but I feel the trembling in my soul that says the orchestra is warming up and the concert is about to begin. Thank you for hearing me in that special way that you do.

  7. December 31, 2007 9:09 pm

    I love this! Great blog…I am resonating with so many of your posts…

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