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Earth Shattering

December 27, 2007

Have you ever had an experience that, even in the middle of it, you know that you know that you will never be the same?  Those “Uh-oh” experiences that rock your world?  Those moments of awareness that tell you that your whole life just changed and the events that set that change in motion started so long ago that there is no way to tell Her now that you didn’t really mean it?

That’s where I am now, smack dab in the middle of one of those experiences, the center of a series of events that started ages ago, perhaps even lifetimes.  If you are reading still because you are waiting for the revelation of the big event…give up now.  The what of this experience is much less important than the how, meaning the way that I walk through it.

The Mother and I have been discussing this now for days.  I know that the title of this blog leads one to believe that I adore change, that I revel in it and almost define my life by it.  This is both true and untrue.  I love the end of the change but not always the process of it.  I keep experiencing all these changes in my life as sort of being the “it” in the sense that I think I am done with it, finished with it, that I have successfully navigated itand now things will be calm and quiet.  Clearly, this is not the case.  I was expressing to a friend the other night the “Uh-oh” feeling that comes to me when I realise that the last huge change that I expereinced was NOT it and instead was merely the very beginning of the prep work for this current not-it.  As I said, I have been discussing this with the Mother often in the last few days.  It feels that I am being told to just step..step forward into the unknown and just keep stepping.  I want to rant and rave to Her that I can’t see  where I am stepping and I’m not quite sure what me will be the one that steps through.  The last time I felt like this was when I decided to actively pursue a pagan path and pursue it to the exclusion of Christianity (this is not to say that it is best for others to do the same nor is it to say that it is the best way was simply best for me!).  In the time since that decision, everything is different.  I have lost my old and rigid world view, my ethics are totally different, my approach to the world and the people who live in it (people being a word that currently describes everyone from humans to crystals to produce!) has been radically re-created, and nothing in the manner and sense of my old daily routines is even remotely similar to that old me that I walked around with for so long.

This new thing is that big, that life altering.  On some level, I feel like I should be afraid.  I’m not.  I do feel a bit overwhelmed..I mean, I mentioned how big this is right??  It seems complex and complicated, something that needs to be navigated with great care.  I am not always kown for managing things with great care.  It isn’t that I intend to be care-less with others, I just feel like I need to be so care-filled with myself.  It’s not always easy to balance those two things, care of others and care of self. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to walk this through, meaning the very specific daily things of doing, those tedious and tense moments of having to decide and step through the minefield.  But I am committed to walking, stepping through day by day to get to the end result..the magic that She promises is waiting at the end of this part of the journey.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Grace permalink
    December 27, 2007 10:05 am

    With Your courageous heart and a spirit of faith in the Goddess, I have perfect confidence in your ability to embrace this change – one day at a time – in the most glorious fashion.


  2. December 29, 2007 11:54 am

    Seems to me that feeling overwhelmed is right on the mark for a life changing event. When I get in those big moments, my thoughts start racing again with, okay, this first, plan that, wait- add this!, what if #3 doesn’t work, is there a 4??!, etc. Sometimes I wonder if I make the initial even worse that it might actually be! Big changes are moments what trusting ourself and our responses can be difficult. Perhaps the approach is believing we are making the best choices at the moment as we walk through that minefield — and that our Deities are right there with us

    Blessings as you work through your change. 🙂

  3. signmom permalink*
    December 29, 2007 9:53 pm

    Grace, I am more happy than I can say that you posted here. Much love to you and appreciation for your faith in me.

    It is so hard to trust myself in this. I know that the repercussions of this are huge for many people in my world and I have already hurt the people in my life who mean so much to me.

    I know that there is another post in all of this but I feel as though all of the crazy motion of change has me sort of buried. I am choosing to me gentle with myself and allowing myself a little time to sit with things as they are now before I try to see where they are going.

  4. January 2, 2008 1:35 am

    Hello Signmother, I don’t know you personally nor ever been by your blog. But your posts are very wonderful. I was just reviewing your grief one which I almosted commented on and did not…had a similar experience but was about 18 when it occurred. Enough of that… 🙂

    This here you said, (just one of many things that could be called out but when you wrote): “…has been radically re-created, and nothing in the manner and sense of my old daily routines is even remotely similar to that old me that I walked around with for so long.”

    This something that I relate to alot. I am very happy for you to be able to write about it so beautifully, because it is not easy to put into words. For myself, what I am sort of hoping for is that memory of the old “me”. I’ve been working really hard at that because even though the new happens in each moment, the memory of old “me” exists still, like a faded image distant, yet still somewhat there. I can easily look almost like with two sets of glasses “now” and “wow, a few years ago I would have thought, done, said” (that’s what I mean by memory). I applaud you and everyone else for sharing these journeys. There’s just gobs of great souls that visit your blog, and that’s no accident because you draw all that in. (well ok, except maybe mine doh – I am definitely an accident waiting to happen Bwahaha!). Hugs- Sibyl

  5. signmom permalink*
    January 8, 2008 12:44 pm

    Oh, Sibyl…hugs to you as you journey. I am of the opinion that it is no accident that you have come to sit in my little cyber cafe of sorts. It is my deepest hope that this place can be one of many places that allows a place for the soul to sit a bit and drink in comfort, healing, and new ideas. I feel amazingly blessed by those who visit me here, deeply enriched and humbled that such wise and gentle souls would spend time in my little world here. Your presence here is no less a blessing than anyone else’s.

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