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What is being lost?

January 8, 2008

So, I’ve already said that I am transitioning again (still?) and that it is a huge change.  It seems to me that even the change is changing, becoming both more and less of what I expected it to be.  And it seems that, in the changing, some things are being lost.

I know deeply that change is cyclical that, indeed, life and all of its myriad complexities is cyclical.  I know that the earth changes in cycles, that my body functions in various cycles, that magic and and relationships and energies all seem to run in cycles.  I deeply feel the Birth, Death, and Rebirth cycle.   It seems to me now that the cycle of Birth, Death and Rebirth sometimes happens all at once rather than in an orderly fashion.  It feels that new things are being born in the same moment that old things are dying.  As I sit in all of this transitioning, it seems important to me to attempt to see more clearly what things exactly are dying off now, to try to allow myself to choose to grieve for the lost things as I also celebrate the new things that are coming.  But what is it really that I am mourning?

Certainly one of the biggest pieces that is bringing me great grief is the apparent death of a friendship that I value highly.  I’ve never been one to have a great number of friends.  My way of thinking and my way of being in the world is odd to most people and the strange way I have of seeing things is hard for most people to follow.  I have very little patience for small talk and silliness.  I’ve learned a little bit of how to play but it is still not my most common way of being.  In person, it takes me awhile to chase a thought down to its root so a conversation with me can be frustrating as it seems to ramble forever before I find its point.  I justify myself often and hear myself say “What I really mean is…” more often than not.   It seems that I have a story to match any topic and I struggle not to “take over” a conversation sometimes and to allow others their own stories without interjecting my own.   Often, I slip into childlike wonder over the simplest things and, if you don’t know me well, it can seem contrived.  (In all reality, the wonder is real.  So many “common” things are brand new to me and I see Her hand in almost everything.)   Also, my mind now processes everything as energy more than substance so those around me are always having to hear about the energy of something, what it looks and feels like more than what it is.  And everything (really…everything!) gets broken down to its elemental components and I tend to play with magic everywhere, all the time (ever been to a hibachi restaurant with a Witch?  So many things to play with!!).  So, I know that I am not the easiest person to be friends with.  Because I know this, I don’t often try to make friends and I can count on one hand the number of people that I would label as friend and most of those are people that exist here, in cyber-land.  To lose a friend is devastating.  To lose one that I call “sister” is more heartbreaking than I can express in words.  It is a death of a piece of my soul, a loss of a piece of me when I can ill-afford more lost pieces of myself.   It rattles my foundation and leaves me feeling like I do not know how to walk through this.  It feels like I am alone now in a way that I was not before.  I had grown familiar with that sense of being protected, of having my softest most raw parts shielded by people who love me.  And now those parts are no longer shielded and instead are uncovered and raw to the world.  Quite an unpleasant feeling and one that leaves me chilled and afraid. 

That is not all that seems to be dying now, that friendship that I need so desperately.   My sense of security is also dying off now.  Nothing feels certain to me, no path seems clear and illuminated.   My feeling of having a place to rest and be safe is gone.  It feels now like I must always be on guard, always be protected. always be shielded..magically and emotionally.  Grounding and shielding seem to be the first two skills that every Witch must learn and it feels to me that the more experienced you are, the more you must shield and ground.  It seems to me that I am spending a great deal of time this days running to the lap of the Mother and asking Her to wrap Herself around me, to walk me through the world.   I knew before that feeling secure was important to me, knew that I needed to know that I am safe before I could even give a thought to growing more or learning.  But now it seems Momma is making it clear that I must grow the most when I feel the least stable and settled.  It feels that all of those things that I have counted on are being stripped away, one by one, until all that is left is She and me.

The ironic thing is that Fear is the other thing that is dying.  How can I be afraid now?  What is left to lose?  My old Self is no more, my place of rest and safety is gone, my relationship is definitely different than it has ever  been, my job situation is up in the air, we may be moving to a whole new city, my familiar patterns of dealing with life are no longer effective….all I have left that I know for sure is not leaving is Her.  My only option is to work through all of this with Her and trust that She knows what She is doing.  And ever our relationship is different.

Have you ever stood outside, looked up at the Moon and screamed “F**k you, Momma!”?  I have, often in the last few days.  Have you ever told Her that She is being mean and dumb?  I have.  Have you told Her that you question whether or not She really knows what She’s doing and what She is asking you to do?  Yep..been there, done that.  The most amazing thing is that two minutes after screaming at Her, She picks me up and holds me close.  And I swear that She laughs at me.  She seems to be saying that I am finally “getting it”.  How can I say that I have true relationship with Her if things are always rosy sunshine between us?  How can I say that She is my Mother if I am never angry with Her?  How can I say that She and I are One if I always censor myself with Her, offer only my best to Her?

In these days of dying off, She has never been more alive.  And neither have I.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. January 8, 2008 4:06 pm

    One thought that may help you embrace the changes you are going through… people speak of life being cyclical, or the “wheel of life”- but that image isn’t exactly accurate. Life is more a spiral- it goes around and around, sure, birth, growth, death, etc., but each stage is just a little different than the one before. The wheel of life has turned for billions of years; but we evolved during it- last year’s birth of a dinosaur became this year’s birth of a bird… one glorious lifeform becoming a new one, with new and different glories to explore. Our lives are the same… the seasons come and the seasons go- but we are not the same persons this winter that we were the last winter.

    A new person is born with each cycle. You know better than I that birth comes with pain- but look what glorious things come of that pain!

  2. January 9, 2008 1:15 am

    Hugging you, loving you, and holding you close as we walk through this together…

  3. signmom permalink*
    January 10, 2008 1:31 pm

    Joel, thank you for that perspective. Somehow it is a comfort to think of myself as a new person. That is one of those things that I know, but reading it put that way helps me to be a little less resistant to all of this. As I’ve spoken with Her about all of this, She also reminds me that glorious things await me, glorious things are being birthed right now, in the midst of all of this. The birthing is messy and complicated and involves much yelling and pushing through the pain on my part, but the end result is well worth it all. THank you for the loving and gentle reminder to quit whining!!

  4. signmom permalink*
    January 10, 2008 1:33 pm

    Aerolin, walking it through with you is what makes it do-able. Curling up in the places that we have created together keeps me sane.

  5. January 11, 2008 2:45 am

    I don’t know your path, but just wanted to say your words resonate strongly with me. Perhaps for totally different reasons than you wrote them. But you might as well have jumped into my skin in stating them. I’ve nothing to say other than thank you. And if it’s any consolation, though I be completely strange to you, and regardless of how you intended the words or otherwise, I understand something of what you said as I read it.

    “it seems important to me to attempt to see more clearly what things exactly are dying off now” (right)

    “i’ve never been one to have a great number of friends. My way of thinking and my way of being in the world is odd to most people …little patience for small talk” (ditto)

    “making it clear that I must grow the most when I feel the least stable and settled. It feels that all of those things that I have counted on are being stripped away” (and nothing is known… i just journalled this in my own inept way:

    “Have you ever stood outside, looked up at the Moon and screamed “F**k you” (yes, the moon, the goddess, the god, queen mother bishop, any name, yes)

  6. signmom permalink*
    January 11, 2008 2:29 pm

    Thank you, Sibyl. It is a comfort to me to know that this awful and awe-filled state of unknowing is, infact, known to others. I am pleased that my words offer you a bit of comfort, a sense of sharing in an experience rather than being alone in it.

  7. January 15, 2008 8:22 pm

    Thank you for putting these thoughts out here. I relate so strongly to so much of what you wrote here…in the areas of friendship, fear, energy…all of it. There is always such comfort in finding others experiencing similar states.

  8. January 17, 2008 2:13 pm

    I am like you. I don’t easily make friends and only let a few people in this world get close to me. Anger, pain, disappointment, loss, abandonment when you lose one of a precious few. Yuk! Blessings to you for healing and openness to new friendship opportunities.

  9. goldenferi permalink
    January 17, 2008 9:32 pm

    These changes are filled with ups and downs as the old you is shed and the person within struggles to make her way out. Last year was a huge year of change for me and now this year I am again struggling wondering who it is I am and where my path is leading. Some things have taken on more certainty but others continue to change.

  10. signmom permalink*
    January 21, 2008 11:35 pm

    Thank you for the support…I seem to be in a place where words come to me reluctantly and the many thoughts and feelings within are hard to express. Suffice it to say that being received with no judgement and much reassurance is a huge comfort to me through all of these complicated changes.

  11. carolynlboyd permalink
    January 30, 2008 12:58 pm

    What an amazing description of the process of transformation. So often people make it seem so easy — something goes away, something is born, all is right with the world… It isn’t that easy and without experiencing those feelings of loss and chaos, the new never really does get born. Thank you so much for this post!

  12. April 3, 2008 2:27 am

    I miss your writing, love. You have such an amazing way of communicating your thoughts and feelings so that they are dearly specific to you yet simultaneously universal and others can simply reach out and breathe them with you.

    This space has been your home. When will it be time for you to return to it and reclaim it?

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