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April 9, 2008

nI hesitate to post here, as if I am a trespasser in this place that I created, as if I need your permission to be here, your validation..nearly take all of these crazy bottled ideas and splash them around in a bubbly frenzy.  And who is this “you” that I so need??  Who knows!

I will post first a warning of sorts.  On occassion, the words that I need to put out here are not pretty or kind, are not filled with Love and Light.  I try hard not to have more of those kinds of days than of the other days..yet today is a “not pretty” kind.  If you are already feeling sad or in the dark, I would recommend that you find a place more filled with Light, a place that is a soothing balm for weary hearts and minds.  As much as I would love to be an instrument of healing for another today, the healing that I will be dishing out today is just for me, a veritable feast of it I hope!

There was a time (it seems like ages ago and yet really it was just a few months!) when I had a place of safety.  It was a place that offered me (in theory) unconditional love and acceptance, a place where all that i am could BE, could be expressed and lived and walked through.   I could rush and run or I could lollygag all day and either extreme (or something in the middle) was okay.  The fact that this place of healing and hope, this “home” was made of zipping and zooming gigabytes and uncomprehensible (to me) internet “stuff” rather than concrete or bricks and mortar never mattered to me, never made that place less real.  It was not a virtual place to me.  It was vital and alive, real and tangible.  For the first time ever, I felt safe and welcomed.  I expressed to those who “lived” with me there that it was difficult for me to allow myself to be totally transparent, totally real.  I explained that if I was truly present there, if I was my whole and real self, I could not afford to have that place taken away..ever.  I was assured that it would be my always home, that no matter what happened it would not leave me and I would never have to leave it.  And yet it is gone.

I would love to be just angry about it.  I would love to feel just enraged and bitter.  But I still just feel devastated, violated, betrayed.  I know that it was folish of me to trust.  I know that I was blinded by my need to be safe, my need to have a place that was truly a soul-home.  I know that in my desperation to find those who could be my soul sisters, I was stupid enough to ignore the truth that most people will betray you at one time or another.

I know that now this sounds like a vile, self-pitying rant.  That really isn’t the intent at all.  I think that the point is to say that my job, my responsibility is to create that safety within myself.  I cannot look for some “out there” place to call home.  If I want to be at home, if I want that feeling of home, then home needs to be a space inside of myself that I carry with me always.  And maybe I need to learn that being violated is never okay, even when it is me violating myself.  Sometimes, I know exactly what I need, exactly what it would take for me to feel okay again.  I have people in my life (thank Goddess and you, my Beloved) that often ask what I need, that want to do or give or be whatever would be most helpful, most healing to me and for me in that moment, and yet often I ask for nothing.  It’s as though somewhere within myself, I would rather violate myself than risk offending those that I love.  The thing that I miss most about that place that was home was a rule that we had there, a boundary.   Most of the time, all of the words and thoughts that we expressed were “fair game”….others could contest them, challenge them, counter them, and flat out rant and rave against them.  But there was a certain place, a “room” if you will, that the only things that could be said in response to whatever was expressed were things like “I’m here with you”, “I love you”, “You are being very brave to walk through this and you need not walk alone”.   That is what I miss the most, that way to say to another, ” I just need you to sit here with me.  What I am expereincing right now really sucks and soon I will do the work that is required so that I may heal from this and be more whole.  But right now, I just need to be where I am and I need not to have to be here by myself.  Please do not try to fix me, do not try to make this go away, do not invalidate that it really sucks….just sit here with me in this pain until I am ready to work through it.”   And I could say all of that without having to say it at all.  And when I asked for those things, I got them and there was no judgement.

So today I am homesick for that home that was not a home.  Today I miss those sisters that are not sisters.  Today I sit alone with these injuries, old and new.  But at least today I have a voice again.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. April 9, 2008 5:58 pm

    And it is a glorious, beautiful, and resonant voice indeed! I honor your feelings of homesickness. I, too, ache for that place that we once had. But I honor, too, the lessons that you are taking from this experience – creating that safety within yourself. As always, I walk with you through this and honor everything that you are, Beloved.

  2. Grace permalink
    April 17, 2008 3:08 am

    oh no. I can only imagine.
    and I am so so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
    For awhile I was coming here regularly, to see if you had posted anything, and I see now that I’m about a week late on this.

    my heart is with you and honors you, whatever you are going through at this time.

    i love you still and always.

  3. carolynlboyd permalink
    April 27, 2008 2:42 pm

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It is so hard when we feel betrayed and violated by those we trusted. I am so glad you feel you have found your voice again for it is a beautiful, important, and wise voice.

  4. signmom permalink*
    April 28, 2008 1:52 am

    Thank you for the words, the warmth, the love….

    What a rare gift to meet a soul and yet never meet. You are one of those people that I am grateful to…just because you ARE.

    I love you always and still. If there is ever anything that I can offer that you need just ask and it will be given.

    Carolyn, again you affirm my Truest Self and I am more grateful than I could ever express.

    And, yes, Beloved…I hear you.

  5. June 3, 2008 2:07 am

    Hello darling, I’ve been surfing blogs tonight – what honesty; how admirable your are, so courageous to speak such truths, such wisdom. I plan to visit you many times in the future . . . I felt truly at home here. Much love, Nadie

  6. signmom permalink*
    July 23, 2008 5:51 pm

    Thank you so much, Nadie. I apologise for being so late in responding to your warm and soothing words.

  7. December 11, 2009 9:38 pm

    I really enjoyed reading your post, keep up posting such interesting posts!!

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