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I Think It’s Gonna be Okay

March 8, 2011

What an odd day today…

I feel sort of like I have spent the day chasing my Self in circles, playing Coyote to me.  I think of spirals and cycles and Circles.  I think of wanting my Self enough that I’m willing to chase.

I’ve posted 3000 words today.  Wow.  I didn’t know I had that many words.  Just a few hours ago, I was sure that I had nothing to say, but, by golly, I was committed to saying it.  I may read all of these words tomorrow and decide none of them make sense.  I still haven’t slept since sometime yesterday and my eyes seem to still be superglued open but who’s to say, really, if any of these words are even making sense at this point!

: Pause here for your ideal inner Mama to remind you that eating and sleeping and sharing time, real face time, with other human beings (preferably not the furry kinds, like cats and dogs) are all very important things to make sure that you stay healthy.  I think my ideal inner Mama took a sabbatical today, leaving me to my own bad habits!:

As odd (and perhaps culturally insensitive) as it may sound, I feel like I have been on a sacred soul journey today, that I somehow lost and found pieces of me, fitted those pieces together, found spirit guides and truth, and cycled around from an absence of movement to a place of stillness.  And I’m not sure that I ever even got out of bed.

I know that I’ve chronicled it today in the other posts, but just for my own self, I want to see the journey of today compiled here in this post…the cyclical nature of it seems ephemeral but certain, intangible but somehow sturdy; perhaps if I put it here, connect it all together, I can make it make more sense to me.

When I decided to give up on sleep and go ahead and start my day this morning, I was right where I like most to be, sandwiched between the breathing forms of the god and goddess as they manifest in my amazing partners.  Yet I was terrifyingly alone.  I felt myself as so “apart from”; isolated in depression and fear and guilt and ickiness in general.  See, I know that I’ve been a really crummy partner of late, all take and no give, selfish and unreasonable, jealous and possessive and insecure and all those other anti-Poly things to be.  I spent some time reading a poly blog (polytripod.blogspot.com) which was really amazing to read.  The main contributor to the blog had some things in common with me and got my gears spinning.  Her relationship with her husband had some similarities to mine with my hubby, too: married at the same age as I, opened their marriage at the same stage that we opened ours, began to live with her significant other partner, just as we’ve done, married for the same number of years.  And then they divorced.  I didn’t read all the way through that journey…the blog is several years old and I only read the first few years and then the most recent post or two.   I have no idea HOW they got from happily triadic to divorced and in my scrambled brain state, I didn’t look for any differences in their relationships compared to ours.  Again (and please compassionately remember that I’ve been in a very bad state), in my scrambled mind I could only see what was the same and I became certain that my husband would leave.  I was sure that my wife was resentful of the choices that she’s made on my behalf and for my sense of security and I was sure they both hated me.  They were both still snoring and completely unaware of the totally terrifying and mostly insane conclusions I had come to about them, us, and me….totally without TALKING about it of course.  I was so sure that I was right and so sure that it was inevitable that I felt myself sort of leaving any way.  Maybe you’ve never been there, in that space where you can feel you take some vital you-ness out of a relationship in order to protect it.  But I’ve been there before.  Hell, I practically made a career out of keeping some sort of me-ness out of relationships all together.

The good news is that I had a moment of awareness: I knew that I was making up at least some of the crap spinning in my head….and I started trying to fix it.  I’ve written probably 10 posts here in the last month, only all of them were in my head.  Not helpful.  Also not sharing the me-ness, which is at least a part of the point of this whole blogging thing for me.  So again I reclaimed this space, let go of some of my own rigid rules about what’s allowed here, and put something out there.  And then I started falling back into that pit of yuck that is my trauma mess.  I felt it, owned it, claimed it, and proclaimed again that despite it all…I am still here.  Not always still standing; often a crawling, scraping, gibbering mess but I AM HERE.  And I am doing the work that I am supposed to do.  I crawling in there with all of the muck and reminding myself that the garbage isn’t ME.  It might be on me, I might even be buried under it, but on some level and in some ways, it isn’t IN me.  I see myself sometimes as a carrier of this terrifying trauma virus.  I am certain that anyone who gets too close is gonna get some kind of infection.  But that isn’t true.  There is a piece of me, a Divine and shining piece of me that they never touched.  There is living, breathing Divinity in me, Soul and Spirit, Hope and Faith and Love in there that never got damaged or injured.  That is my me-ness.  That is my Self.  And I will stride through all this muck til it’s uncovered and all sparkly.  And I am committed to that.

But sometimes, that’s all I’ve got.  I don’t always have GIVE in me.  I don’t always have compassion and truth and words.  Sometimes this scraping, crawling, gibbering mess is the best I’ve got.  My amazing partners never act as though or speak as though my trauma holds them hostage.  We’ve no times of feeling that we just CAN’T leave, other than that knowing that comes deep from the heart.  I try to affirm to my partners again and again that I love them enough that I will never try to coerce or manipulate them into staying in a relationship that isn’t okay for them.  And again AND again, they affirm their strong desire to be right here with me.  Then, of course, comes the next muck fest when I beg them to never leave me.  And I mean it all…free to go if they need to, but please God and Goddess, not right now!

So, all of that to say that I’ve been sucky lately.  And that matters to me.  But truly, truly, truly….it’s the best I got right now.  And perhaps if both of my partners are okay with that, I could try being okay with that too.  Wow! Wow! Wow!  Crazy concept for me and one that I just starting trying on today, tonight really.

But first, I had to read some blogs.  There are some really great and amazing blogs out there in the world.  Mind blowing, soul warming, hug giving blogs.  I want to take time tomorrow to track down the actual LINKS to those blogs, but tonight it seems way to complicated to figure out.  I can tell you that I spent some time at CUUMBAYA.blogspot.com which led me to another blog of Joel’s that was a piece of his Book of Shadows.  Joel was my first Teacher even though we never even spoke.  He saw me in ways that I could not see myself and then gave me tools to be exactly what he saw.  I had a real life teacher, too, and he helped me sort out what of those teachings was True and what was perhaps ego driven, never with criticism of the teacher but always a reminder to go back to my Source, to feel with the very Soul of me.  I do that still and have taught all my own students to do the same.  Over and over I tell them to check all of the words or lessons that I give them with that Source and to always go with what feels True, even if it contradicts what I am teaching.  Have I done that with the messages that I feed to myself, checked them for Truth?  Sometimes, when I can.  And sometimes, even when I know that the words I am feeding me are false, they cut so deep and their aim so true that I come out bleedng.  And I remember Joel telling me that Truth should never hurt my soul.  My ego: fair game; illusions, cut to shreds but that Divine Self should always feel safe when confronted with Truth.  Somehow, I forgot.  But I read his words today and remembered.  And sighed some in relief as the terrible things that I have said to and about me faded under the gentle warmth of Truth.

There’s another blog called Discovering Jade (I promise dear Jade that I will link back to that amazing place).  I read of her grief and her healing.  I read her strength and her lack of perfection.  And I felt so amazed by her, her willingness to walk this Path of putting your insides on the outside for public display.  And nowhere in me was the idea that she SHOULD be healing like this or that, at this pace, or in that way.  Simply a profound gratitude that she IS healing, has healed, moves through.  Maybe if I can see her like that, I can see me like that.  Could I, just for a little while, allow myself the freedom to not judge my healing process?  Could I, maybe just for a day or two, feel gratitude for my own willingness to move through?  Could I, even for an hour or two, just BE with me on this healing journey instead of hating that I am not faster or better or stronger or more eloquent or….a million other things that I’m just not enough of?  Maybe…maybe.  Jade, deep gratitude for you.  I so honor you on your journey.  You are on that list of people that I will be sending blessings to everyday because you enriched my whole experience of being me today in ways I can’t even put into words. 

Then I popped on over to my Beloved’s blog…again deep commitment to link it to here.  If you want to jump to that juciness before I get it linked all properly, just click on Aerolin’s name in the comments here and you’ll get right there.  Anyway, I sometimes feel like I’ve highjacked her whole life, that there’s nothing that she is or has that I haven’t…infected…in some way.  Again…my own crap and nothing from her that would affirm that feeling.  Anyway, because of that, I try to stay away from her blog.  I mean, we share clothes and make-up and feminine hygiene products and space and cats and kids and ritual and…well, you get the drift so I feel like she deserves something that is completely her own, a temple of sorts and a retreat.  But I just needed to soak in a little bit of her wonderfulness and she’s working a double today so it was the closest I could get.  I was amazed!  In all the shitstorms, she hasn’t bad mouthed me.  She hasn’t talked about how mean I am or how crazy I am these days or what a burden I am.  Never has she wished there that she could get out of this.  My amazing kids that have, one after another, after another  pushed her in ways that she never planned for don’t even get dissed there.  And  I KNOW how trying these amazing people can be.  What a gift and a treasure.  Wow.  And in the midst of me all falling-apart-like, she trusts what I have taught.  She sees all the crazy that I am and still sees the Divine in me.  Wow!! Wow!!  I am uber Loved…

I spent some time being mad and afraid.  And then I juiced me up on a couple more blogs.  http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/  http://www.goddessguidebook.com/ I found an amazing buffet of bloggers, many of them women, many of them so committed to living authentically, to pursuing the dream, to being their most creative and inspired selves.  Not to sound like a jackass but I truly had NO IDEA!!  The whole world seems to be lighting up, waking up, THRIVING!  Sure, it kinda sucks for me right now, but WOW!  What possibilities and potentials there are out there.  Hmmm….

Then, to wind it all up for me, I went to The Wild Pomegranate.  That place is like my favorite slippers-wine-chocolate kind of night.  I often read the words there but I almost don’t even have to.  I just feel…welcomed.  I feel like I am allowed to glimpse another face of the Divine.  Even when the posts are hard work kind of things, I feel such a peaceful  stillness there.  I feel a sigh of great relief and release.  I feel like, for just a moment, I “get it”.  Not sure what or how, but I feel it deep in my bones.  I remember when there where Women Who Run quotes there and I felt like I had met a kin.  I’d never actually known another person who drank so deeply from that pool of  wisdom.  I had pages of that book scrolling through my head and it seemed no one else even had read it.  Clearly I had been hanging with the wrong people cuz Ms Grace had TONS of those words right out there for everyone to swallow in easy bites.  That was the whole reason that I ever started blogging…that HOMEness found in words posted by another. So, Ms Grace, I curled up on your couch for a bit and just breathed.  Deep. Again and again.  I felt that you-ness of that place filling me up again, letting me rest, reminding me that surely all of this will all work out ok.  It just has to… I mean, I am Loved.  I felt all these little bits of others sort of wrapping me up in a comforter.  And I knew (even if you didn’t) that your voices were used today to whisper “I Love you” to me, over and over again, until I could finally really remember that.

So I was mad and scared and trapped and running and unmoving and moved and Loved and restored and finally, finally I am becoming still again.  And tomorrow might suck a lot or it might not.  And I might really hold on to all I learned and knew and felt today and I might not.  I might manage to sit outside and I might still be too scared to do that.  I might cry or skulk or pout…but I might smile and I might laugh.  And no matter what, at least for tomorrow, I will KNOW that I KNOW that I am Loved.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 9, 2011 3:13 pm

    Oh honey… how I know these feelings. Poly relationships (or, as Colin called ours, a “truple”) are challenging, but the skills used to deal with those challenges are not unique to your amazing, complicated relationship. Love, patience, respect, and friendship – these are traits you have, and Aerolin has. It won’t conquer all, but it’ll help.

    Sending love and a big ole e-hug to you.

    P.S.: thanks for the link and the mention. 🙂

  2. Grace permalink
    March 17, 2011 1:35 pm

    Good morning ((( Signmom )))

    I’ve just made my way here…what a horrible blog friend I’ve been to those that I care about, because I’ve been a bit MIA in blogland recently.

    Please forgive me.

    I came here to see how you were doing, and found your embrace at the end of this post. Thank you for that. Thank you. Your words brought back some of those earlier days of the Wild Pomegranate…wow, how many years ago was that, now? 4? 5? Anyway, I remember my WWRWTH page now…a place where I was accumulating the wisdome sayings of so many of the amazingly brillian blogfriends I was hanging out with at the time. Your words…helped me to remember a time when I felt lush with inspiration. Dear God, I could write and write and write. You know, at some point – when I was on hiatus (ha! like, which time, Grace? LMAO! ;-)…) I hid almost all of those posts from the first years. Maybe I’ll dust them off…

    ANYWAY, enough about me. (Well, except that I am SO happy that you feel the love when you visit. THAT is a miraculous gift!! xox)

    You have chosen a deeply complex and amazing path, my friend. I sit in awe of you. If our time on earth is all about the love….showing that love….expressing that love….sharing that love… then you have that in spades. You own wisdom shines through this post, in the level of self awareness and deeply authentic and vulnerable expressions that are here. It is no wonder you are loved like you are by your spouses. You are worthy of great love. Worthy of great joy and peace and wellbeing.

    I wonder what you are feeling and thinking now, several days after writing this post. For some reason, I was struck by the idea that your own experiences are – have been – tied to what is happening on an Earthly level…the fracturing and shifting of the land. The swirling of powerful waters. The sudden unexpected bursts of fire. The air, filled with the *stuff* from all of that energy.

    ……..

    I’ve spent far too long, taking up way too much space here this morning. Let me end by saying there is a woman in California who is so grateful for the openness and embrace of one such as yourself, who has allowed me the privilege of seeing the face of the Mother shining in such extraordinarly ways.

  3. March 17, 2011 7:29 pm

    Love,

    I am going to borrow Miss Grace’s words for a moment – “If our time on earth is all about the love….showing that love….expressing that love….sharing that love… then you have that in spades.” That is why I call you, “Love.” I know you may disagree with me here, and I know how hard you work to be who you are in this world and I don’t say the following to detract from any of that work in any way whatsoever. You are Love. The work you do to be you doesn’t diminish that – if anything it further reinforces it.

    Your Divinity shines through so brightly that there is nothing that could ever block, shade, or hide it. 🙂

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