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Coming to the end of Me

May 29, 2011

Oh how I try not to write when I’m feeling this way.  It’s not embarrassment that causes me to hold in my words, nor is it fear of being judged by others.  That fear has somehow ceased to be with me.  Instead it is the fear of causing some sort of harm to another.   When hope and joy and optimism are so far away from me, when all I have left at this moment is despair, will I poison another?  Will me despondency be contagious?  Surely I hope not.  But just in case, step away if you need and come back when you have been inoculated against despair.

I’ve learned a lot about reframing over the course of my journey, learned to choose to see the Light in the midst of darkness and blessings in the midst of the trauma.  In that spirit, here’s one way to see what’s going on: we’re living rent free for the next two months in a home with an above ground pool and bedrooms for all the kids.  We are surrounded by beautiful old trees and the cats are all with us.  We all have a chance to spend some real time together, decided what we really want to be when we grow up, and set out to get whatever we need to make those things happen.  The fridge and the pantry are both full and we’re living closer to family than we have been.

That is all true.  And I wish down to the marrow of my bones that I actually saw things that way, that I felt the gratitude that so neatly fits that image.

But here is what is also true: we’re borrowing someone else’s house and we have no more than 45 days or so before we have to move out and we could be forced to move much sooner.  Half of our stuff, including my altars, are in a storage unit that isn’t close enough or empty enough to go and “visit”.  The above ground pool has been neglected for the last year so there are inches of leaves (that fell off of those beautiful old trees that we are surrounded by), worms, bugs, algae, and who knows what kinds of health hazards infesting the water.  It would take about $100 worth of chemicals to get it useable and we just don’t have it.  There are all kinds of minor repairs that we have to do on the house to get it ready for sale, repairs that we are doing in lieu of rent, meaning that we have to purchase any necessary materials and do the actual work.  And my husband, my fabulous Mr. Fix It, broke his arm the night we moved in.  The full pantry and fridge are thanks to the local food bank and very little of it appeals to me (I know how bratty that sounds…sue me!  I’m on a good whine here!).  My therapist and I have been doing some really intense and challenging healing work of late and now we can’t work together anymore because she’s still earning her license and can’t work in Florida.  And I hate Florida with a burning passion.  Florida is where I lost my son, worked myself half to death, experienced painful friendship breakups.  And there are no mountains, mountains which feed my soul and let something within me breathe in a way that nothing else quite manages.  And my hunt for work is not going well.  And my kids may end up in a shelter with us, something I have adamantly opposed for them.  And we had to sell my car, the only thing I owned that was just mine, a symbol of my right to choose where to be, my independence, my safe rebellion.

I have become a stranger to myself.  I know that I used to be able to find joy in tiny things, that I laughed and smiled, that I felt optimistic and filled with faith that the magnificent Divine was holding me close, working things out for me.  I used to know that I might have no idea where I was going, but it sure would be awesome along the way and even more awesome when I arrived.  I do not remember that me.  I cannot find her anywhere and I am afraid she is lost forever.

I am angry to wake up in the morning.  I feel overwhelmed by these situations and so unsure that it will ever be better than this.  I remind myself over and over that I have been here before, that I have lost me and had to hunt me down and drag me back to a life that suited me better.  I remind me that I am a survivor, resilient and persistent.  I remind me that I have always been able to discard from within those characteristics or thoughts or feelings that do not suit.  And still I am stuck here.

I dig deep, deep, deeper still to find something within me that wants to live more than it wants to die.  I cling to visions of my children getting married, having babies, calling just to say hi.  I know that I do not want to miss these moments with them.  I imagine my old ladyhood when I can be in the mountains and be quiet and still.  I imagine writing a book or rocking a grandchild.  I imagine dancing with my Goddess in full moon light and feeling Her breathing in my essence cause She loves me that much.  I imagine feeling peaceful, feeling joyful, feeling full.   I cannot see those things from here but I don’t want to miss the next time they happen.  I refuse to believe that I have laughed for the last time, that the last hug from my partners was really the last, that joy is forever absent from me.  I refuse to believe that my Goddess has forgotten me.  I refuse to accept that it will always be this way.

I choose.  I do not feel gratitude or joy or hope but I have the power to choose.  And so I choose, today and tomorrow and the day after that.  I do not feel strong enough to choose growth right now, or personal evolution, or moving forward.  But I choose to hang on, to hang in, to dig in my heels and refuse to succumb to despair.  And I choose to document this time in the hopes that the next time it feels this awful, I can read about this time and know that I came out of it okay.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Grace permalink
    June 3, 2011 12:57 pm

    (((( Signmom ))))

    I remember one morning, maybe 8 years ago. I was out for an early morning walk because that’s all I could think of to do…just put one foot in front of the other. I was deeply esconced in the blackness of a Dark Night, and I wanted to die. I mean, just leave my body, you know? because I’m too chickenshit to actually kill myself. I actually pleaded with Whatever Was Out There If Anything, just to take me right out of the world, because I was SO over it all.

    Well, as you can see, I’m still here. And I’m so happy that I am because The Wheel did her thing, eventually (and sometimes slowly) turning and turning, and brought me to a better place. Had my prayer come true, I would have certainly missed out on a shitload of more pain. Pain that at times dropped me to my knees and I would re-think this whole “Life” thing again. But I would have also missed out on the most wonderful, magical experiences, and vibrant joy and love (thinking about my grandchild right now…even though I haven’t seen him in over a year and a half). Yep, it was – has been – the best of times and the worst of times.

    They say that a catapillar liquifies in the cocoon…it’s DNA is shifting and changing so much in preparation for it’s transformation. I’ve been liquified in that dark, cramped, funky place. Oh yeah, I have. I felt like nothing so much as a pile of unrecognizeable junk, and I surrendered to it, and it was scary as hell. But I made it out alive, and grew some wings – so deeply changed in certain ways that I feel like the other woman I was, was someone else. And you will, too. Please don’t give up. God is here. God is always here even if we can’t see Her or feel Her. There is a reason for everything.

    When someone you loves is going through a Dark Night (for lack of a better term), you want to comfort them and encourage them and hold them close to whisper, ” Shhhhh, It’s all going to be OK, babygirl.” That’s what I want to do for you. I don’t know what time will bring, but I do know this: You are loved without measure. You are worthy and deserving of joy and happiness and safety. And you’re still breathing…which means, you ain’t done yet Sister.

    Sending you and your precious family my love and prayers

  2. signmom permalink*
    June 4, 2011 2:46 am

    Thank you. Those eloquent words deserve a much better response….

    Thank you. Love to you as well, and joy for you and yours!

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